Would You Do This For Your Husband?

I find it interesting but understandable that all the ruckus raised by Virginia Thomas' call to Anita Hill is focused primarily on Clarence Thomas' alleged perversities, raised for the first time publicly during Thomas' Supreme Court confirmation hearings almost 20 years ago.  I remember watching the hearings in amazement, thinking the same thing then as I think now:  Who would make this stuff up?  Pubic hair on a Coke can?  Are you kidding me?  So bizarre it had to be true. 

It wasn't all that surprising that Thomas was eventually nominated, as not one single person came forward publicly to support Hill's allegations.  Did anyone other than his supporters from Delaware even know who Joe Biden was then?  Or what he was doing in the background?  Who would have thought to question the filters Biden imposed on the information getting through to the nomination process? (NB: 20 years ago I had my hands full with law school, marriage, two stepdaughters, and a first pregnancy -- no Chasing Shade for me then, that's for sure!)  And yes, the Senate panel at that time was dominated by older white males intent on disregarding any impropriety that could possibly attach to a future potential member of the Almighty Supreme Court. 

Just think back to twenty years ago, and how different the media and peoples' perceptions were than they are today.  The media was much more inclined to go along with the majority opinion, and disinclined to question, investigate and reveal unseemly information, especially where the public would be allowed to draw their own conclusions.  More importantly, remember back to when there was politics with NO INTERNET!  Sometimes it's hard to remember a way of life without constant news bulletins, search engines, and instantaneous fact checking.

As I read the stories swirling around Ginny's call to Brandeis Professor Anita Hill -- at 7:30 a.m. on a Saturday morning (aka Reverse Booty Call) -- this morning I am wondering about a different angle:  Would any of my married friends out there Ever make such a phone call as Ginny Thomas did last week to Anita Hill?  19 years after the alleged peccadillo?  Asking for an apology?  For what she allegedly did to your husband?  No matter how enraged you may have been at the time, can you imagine a scenario where a stranger's statements are still so stuck in your craw 20 years later that you want redemption and apology for the personal embarrassment?

Wow.  She took the whole thing a bit personally, don't you think?  A bit defensive, don't you think?  Could you even stand being friends with someone who couldn't let something go after 20 years?  Especially when she "won" the day? 

Apparently, Ginny has been able to completely disregard even the smallest amount of hesitancy concerning her husband's alleged misbehavior.  She has shut out the tiniest shards of doubt in order to continue to believe in her husband's Complete Innocence.  She has completely and unequivocally bought into the virtue of her husband's providential countenance, ignoring any potential that the human condition has to be frail, imperfect and self-protective.  She loves her husband So Much that she is wearing blinders to the undeniable, documented history of powerful men who take incongruent actions that cause them to fall from ethical if not literal grace.  She is so confident in her own relationship with him, and with her own supporters, that she is impervious to any potentially negative fallout that might occur from rash, early morning phone calls.  Lastly, and sadly for Ginny, her husband must Obviously have no extraordinary interest whatsoever in Ginny's own physical endowments, which interest might lead her to suspect that he might Possibly be attracted to another woman's physique in even the smallest, possible way.  Poor Thing. 

Either that, or she's Crazy.   You be the Judge.  No pun intended.

If you need a more eloquent take on the matter, check out Maureen Dowd's NY Times column from today:

Maureen Dowd: Supremely Bad Judgment

How Not To Be A Millionaire

And now for something completely different ....

The back story:  My cousin called several weeks ago to tell me that she and her mother had gone into NYC to audition for "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire."  She signed up for an audition time and went into the studio where they took the show's multiple-choice test, and ... she passed! She was called out to answer a bunch of questions while being taped, and then told that she may or may not receive notice that she'd be on the show.  Lo and Behold, a few weeks later, she received the good news, and a few weeks after that, went to NYC to tape the show.  HooHah!  Awesome!  She is scheduled to be on TOMORROW, Friday (10/22) and Monday (10/25), when we'll find out how she actually did.  I'm SOOO excited for her because I'm pretty sure she did well, and I know she had a thrilling experience.

Fast forward to last Friday ....

After talking to my cousin, I thought it would be fun to see the show Live, and to try out to be on the show, too.  (Yes, I'm not busy enough.)  I called my friend, Lauren, who is up for almost Anything, and convinced her to go to NYC with me on my birthday to see the show and audition.  (Will and Bill bagged out; at least my son and my husband are busy enough ...)  I signed up for tickets online, and made plans to fill my visit to NYC with several other fun things, including visiting my brother and his family, and having breakfast at Nougatine in Columbus Circle.  Sounded like a good plan; we went in completely open-minded, but hoping to come away with Free Money! (Yes, I know, nothing's ever free....)

The Pre-Millionaire events went swimmingly.  Drive down?  Easy.  Staying at my brothers?  Fun and relaxing; we got to hang with the girls and catch up with Matt and Kristin.  Friday?  Train into the city from Larchmont?  Awesome.  A sunny day, and easy to get a cab up to Nougatine.  My college roommate met us, gave me an Awesome gift ("Touche Eclat" from YSL?  Learn something new every day!), we all had yummy eggs, and we sighted Richard Hatch -- you know, first $1 million "Survivor" winner who then went to jail -- at the next table (he fisted the four mini jellies in his hairy hand on his way out).  Total Fun.

Headed over the few blocks to the ABC Studio where Millionaire is filmed, arriving about 9:45 for 10:15 entry (during the phone call the day before from one of the show's producers -- Clue #1 that something is a little weird, because other than courts and lawyers, who sends confirmation postcards via snail mail And confirmation emails And telephone calls to confirm your attendance? I asked "Rachel" what time I absolutely Had to be there, since it was my birthday and I was planning on a nice breakfast; she responded that since it was my birthday, she'd put us on the VIP list, so our tickets would be held until 10 a.m.;  You mean I'm not Already on a list, since you've mailed/emailed and now are calling me?).  Apparently, some people had been in line since 9:00.

There are several show assistants outside with the audience members, managing them, managing their clipboards, issuing instructions and handing out tickets.  As you enter -- from one of three assigned lines -- you go through security inside and then wait again in line inside what I can only describe as a small concrete hangar -- kind of like an Old airport corridor with lots of wires and construction stuff (and blue stools from the Old version of Millionaire) all around you.  After being instructed that we should go to the restroom if necessary because this would be our last opportunity (Clue #2 that something was weird), we waited another half hour -- a group of four women from Canada who had no idea what they were in line for actually left at that point (Clue #3) ("We have to take a test?  How long are we going to be here?") -- before being led into a dark, round theater that was like a small theater-in-the-round, with technology all around it.

We were then treated to 5 hours of TV game show taping.  Now, I don't know about you, but I'd never been inside a TV studio and I had been looking forward to the experience.  All I can say is ...

Fahgett About It!  After the first two hours, which were long but tolerable, the last three hours were Torturous!  We had No Idea we'd be there that long (part of the problem), but in addition to that .... the warm-up comedian was Awful (Clue #4) (he smiled once or twice in 5 hours and got about as many laughs); there was no snack or water given out and you Know I'm all about the food (Clue #5) (they do advise you to bring a snack, but Don't tell you how long you'll be there); a bunch of 19 year-olds are in charge of escorting you to the bathroom -- everything is treated as Extremely Super Secret Stuff, including the trips to the bathroom apparently; a somewhat domineering woman who seems to be in charge (not Meredith) practically threatened an audience member who she saw doing something Strictly Prohibited with his hands (still don't know what it was); and, they don't announce the "winners" of the scantron "audition test" until the last 20 minutes you're there, so you are basically a captive audience for a full 5 hours.  We also happened to be there when the competitors were local news anchors (readers) from around the U.S. all playing for their favorite charities -- completely Boooorrrriiinnnngggg.  At one point, one of the news anchors actually intimated that the audience was unlikely (too stupid) to know the answer to a certain question .... like beggars can be choosers (Clue #6).

Any Good Things?  They did sing Happy Birthday to me -- initiated by the news anchor from California (he was annoying but at least funny, unlike the comedian).  Meredith Viera did seem Very Nice, Personable, and Genuinely Appreciative of the audience participation and time given (when she said something about sitting for 5 hours, I did a complete doubletake, because that information doesn't appear in ANY of the audience literature).  I was also happy Not to be an overweight caucasian woman in her late 50s, because those are the three audience members (out of about 150 total) that "passed" the scantron "audition test."  I'm not even counting the Free Pencil as a good thing.  By the end, Lauren had a complete migraine and, while we got out of the city easily, it rained for much of the ride home and I didn't walk in to the house until 10 pm.  Thank goodness for the lovely birthday cupcakes from Magnolia Bakery waiting for us at Matt's house; they held us over on the ride home!

All in all, however, a long, long, weary day.  I'm still Super Excited and happy for my cousin. I know she won Some money and had a true adventure of a lifetime!  It will be a Super Long Time, however, before I sign up for something like Millionaire again.  True, it's a memory I'll have forever.  But also True that it's a slice of Americana I could have lived without.  And, of course I did start wondering ... if you took all the collective energy and manpower that sits in that theater 2-3 days a week for 2 tapings each day, clapping and whooping it up for five hours, and directed it towards something Meaningful, just imagine what Millionaire could Really accomplish! But that's not the Point, is it?

Bullies Then And Now

When I was growing up in Wakefield, there was a girl in my grade named Betsy Sanchez.  I remember that her mother was a nurse (I think), she had at least one older brother, and they lived in modest ranch house about a mile away from our neighborhood.  Along with another girl, Cindy Valley, Betsy was merciless in her bullying of me.  She threatened me, harassed me, and generally made my life miserable for a long part of middle school.  At one point my mother went to the school to discuss her behavior with the principal; I think she may even have contacted Betsy's mother to let her know what was going on.  By the time I got to high school, the bullying had stopped and we had all moved on.  I survived, obviously, but I remember dreading school and being afraid on a daily basis.

Years later, at our 10th high school reunion, Betsy came up to me and apologized.  She told me that she couldn't remember why she had bullied me, but remembered that it was bad, that it had caused me a lot of distress and she was sorry for that.  I had long ago understood her behavior as originating from her brother's bullying of her; I was small and defenseless -- okay, wimpy -- so Betsy felt empowered when she was able to scare me.

As a parent, I believed I was doing everything right to avoid having my kids end up the target of bullies.  I made sure my kids were athletic (no band geeks other than me in our family), dressed in regular cool clothes (I wasn't allowed to wear jeans to school until senior year of high school), and ensured that they generally participated in "cool" school activities and social events (heck, they even had their own cars!).  Then, because even though you can largely control your own children but not others' children, one of my own children became a bully's target.  The bullying arose from a single incident on a school trip, and then led to widespread and ongoing teasing among the other kids at school.

Everything I thought we had been doing right as parents was completely turned upside down.  Our world was rocked and we were at a loss for what to do.  As a family, we were devastated and afraid every day for a long time.  The incident affected our other kids, too, and we were uncertain and insecure about what to do.

The first thing I did when I heard what happened was Immediately contact school administrators.  I left long messages with very specific and shocking details on several voicemails -- it was late in the afternoon when I found out -- and waited anxiously for the responses.  To their credit, the school took Extremely swift action.  The bully's family was immediately notified, then he was suspended and summarily expelled.  We took a day off from school to let the fallout occur, then assured our child that going to school was the best thing to do, to show everyone that the bully was the one in the wrong.  "Hold your head high" and "Ignore what you hear" were our constant refrains in the weeks that followed.  Eventually and gradually, life began to return to normal.  When other kids from school -- second-round bullies I call them -- picked up on the behavior and continued it outside of school, we again notified the school.  All agreed there was little we could do to stop the behavior in a public arena, BUT, karma is a powerful thing, and months later, we found ourselves doing a private "Hooray!" when the same second-round bullies were arrested for unrelated illegal behavior and subsequently expelled from school.  

All of this happened years ago, but is very present in my mind as we see repeated images of the violinist from Rutgers University who committed suicide after first being constantly harassed and then publicly exposed.  The images have conjured up the same feelings of fear and dread that I had as a child, and the feelings I felt more recently and severely as a parent afraid for my own child. 

Many of my friends and family will be surprised to learn about this event.  I only shared the events with a few people, and then not even most of the details with my closest friends and family.  There are several reasons for this, but I think the primary reason for my reticence has to do with one of the very confounding features common to all bullying scenarios:  It's embarrasing to be a victim.  Once you are a victim, your self-confidence is rocked to such an extent that you Believe you somehow deserved to be singled out and mistreated.  There must be something about you, something you've done, something you've worn, something you've said, that made that very Popular person somehow Really hate you.  Bullies may not always succeed in physically hurting their victims, but they have Immediate success in causing their victims to question their own essence and self.  This I Know.

So, why Now?  Why talk about my child's victimization here in Chasing Shade?  Because I believe we parents, mostly mothers, are the first line of defense against bullying.  We are on the front lines with our children and though we might not be able to completely prevent bullying from happening,  there are things we Can and Should do to stem the tide.  While our family was going through our ordeal, we were told many, many times by school officials how "lucky" our child was to have us as parents.  I wasn't so sure about that at the time, but as I look back, I believe that is correct.  There are a lot of things we had that bullies' families don't have.  But we All can make our children lucky, and here are some of my tips:

1.  Keep Talking, Talking, Talking to your children, no matter how quiet they might be.  They listen, they appreciate the effort you're making, and some of what you say does sink in.  If my child is upset and she doesn't want to tell me why, I stay with her until she opens up, even slightly.   I open the slammed door.   I join her outside on the swings.  I sit next to her while she plays her video game.  I pull our car to the side of the road and turn the radio off.  I sit on the bed or stand in the doorway until she starts talking or crying or both.  She has no choice but to start talking, because I won't go away until she does.

2.  Don't generally allow your children to isolate themselves or be alone for too long.  Watch TV with them, take them shopping, take them to dinner, accompany them on a walk with the dog(s).  You don't have to be their buddy, you just have to be in their daily lives, even if it's during the most mundane of activities.  One thing I look back on with some regret is allowing one of my children to be somewhat isolated in a bedroom relatively removed from the rest of the family.  As a result, I still can't abide houses where the kids' rooms are isolated from each other or from the master suite.  To this day that isolated bedroom in our house, although its the largest and extremely sought after by the other kids, will remain forever as our guest room and not a child's bedroom.

3.  Talk to your kids about being kind to others.  While some kids are born with a Extra Large Empathy Gene, you Can teach most kids to be empathetic.  Ask them what they would do in situations where a child is alone on the playground or in the lunchroom.  Talk to them about the known bullies in their schools -- they're there, even if We don't know it.  Encourage them to disregard petty remarks and encourage them to appreciate diversity of personalities and talents.  Football players usually can't play the violin, while trumpet players aren't the best free-throw shooters.  There's room for everyone and we parents set an example by exposing our kids to this diversity.

Like my own memories of Betsy Sanchez, the memories of being harassed will stay with my child throughout life.   This makes me incredibly sad.  My sadness is tinged with pride, though, in my child's ability to survive, and to survive relatively well.  Don't get me wrong; it isn't, and hasn't been, an easy journey, and I'm not going to say something stupid like "our family is stronger because of it."  Our family was strong enough before, and we lost some of our invincibility as a result of the stupid thoughtless behavior of a selfish, attention-grabbing moron.  Of course, it could have been so much worse.  And for that, we Are lucky.